The Christmas season

**Disclaimer: This may seem like a debbie-downer post, but I have to vent about the bad days for my own therapy....

I had a really hard Christmas. Cayden had an okay Christmas (for Cayden), and the rest of the family had a great Christmas! Back-up a bit... We moved just after Thanksgiving, so the first thing we did in our new house was put up the tree! And that's it... I had no desire to set up any decorations, ornaments on the tree, I didn't even get out our stockings until the night before Christmas Eve when my daughter said she was worried about what Santa would do with the stuff for our stockings. Everyone kept telling me that we had just moved, and I have Cayden and Jaken to chase all day so I was probably tired. Nope, not the problem. I actually felt a little scrooge-ish. I was totally okay if the holiday passed, un-noticed. What the heck is wrong with me?? I love Christmas! Finally one night Chris and I went on a date, and I just broke down. I told him that as awful as it sounded, Cayden was causing my scrooge like feelings. I didn't want to get anything out, because my almost 3 year old understands just as much as an 18 month old. I didn't want to spend the whole month putting the tree skirt back, putting the stockings away, re-wrapping the presents under the tree, replacing all ornaments at the end of the season, and dealing with the never ending meltdowns in between. Stupid reasons, right?

I took our babysitter (my awesome sister, Kelsey) home, and talked to my mom for a while. After venting my frustrations, we came to the realization that it wasn't Cayden causing these feelings, it was me. And it was not frustration, or scrooge, or even laziness. It was grief. Plain and simple. I had been holding it all together for months now. Since his diagnosis this summer I have been the strong one. The one telling everyone around me that everything was totally okay when it wasn't. I didn't even see it happening to me. Let me make this part clear. My child DID NOT die. He is alive and for the most part healthy. So why the grief? My child did not die, but a part of me did, and the life I always pictured for him did. Things have had to be altered, and plans changed. It has been harder than I could imagine at times, yet so rewarding in others. To look into that sweet face and see a perfect son of our Heavenly Father. And he is here in OUR home!

I realized that night, that it is okay to grieve, and it is okay to vent and cry. I don't need to hold it all together. That is why we have such a great support system. Our family and friends have been fantastic! I just need to let it out more than once every 6-7 months.

Things are better now. The two days before Christmas were amazing. We had stockings hung, presents wrapped, and half-open, under the tree, and lots of time spent with great family and friends. The parties were overwhelming for Cayden. Most of the time he ended up on Chris' lap with his fingers plugging his ears, or off in another room while the other kids excitedly opened their gifts. He didn't care to open any gifts or look in his stocking. He got his Woody and Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story 3 and that was enough. (If only we could get him to put them down for longer than 5 seconds now...)

I'm glad I had a quick change of heart, and am openly talking about how I really feel. Christmas with Cayden will always be different, but simply amazing too as we have the Spirit so close in our home. Hopefully next year will be a bit smoother!