Preschool

Yesterday was Cayden's first day of "real" preschool. For the past 6 months he has been going to a sensory class on Mondays and a toddler class on Wednesdays. I have had to take him to both, and pick him up. When he turned three, he had to exit the Early Intervention program and start with the public school system. We debated for a while about which class would be best for him between our two choices. One was an Autism class which was similar to his sensory class, and the other was preschool which was similar to the toddler class. He did so amazing in different areas in both classes so it was so hard for us to choose which one he would benefit from the most. Its so hard to pick something like that for your child. I wish someone could have said, "this is your option, take it or leave it..." But not so much! We finally chose the preschool class in hopes that he would see those "typical" peers and strive to be like them. The bus would take him to and from school so I wouldn't have to, and then I could spend more time with Jaken. He goes Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 8:30-11:15.

So yesterday was the day! He was so excited. Mom was a little nervous. Sending my three year old on a bus with strangers was giving me anxiety. My cute mom and friend Mandy came over to be with me and watch him get on the bus. We were standing outside waiting while Cayden ran around the yard saying,"Bu, bu, bu" (thats bus for Cayden).

  8:30 came and went. 8:35, 8:40, 8:45.... School starts at 8:45. So I ran in and called the transportation office. They called the driver and came back to tell me that the driver never came in to get his new info, so he didn't know there was a new child to pick up! They asked if I could take Cayden and they would have someone bring him home. (right, because at this point my confidence in the bus system is super positive....) So we did. I threw him in the car so fast and drove him to school. The whole way there he cried for the bus. It was heartbreaking. We had been prepping him to ride the bus and he didn't get to. His teacher and class were outside waiting for him when we got there. He was crying, I was crying, so I just handed him to the teacher and walked away. So sad! I ran a few errands and ended up at my grandparents house to vent (and cry with grandma). The bus was supposed to drop him off at 11:15, so I was nervous if he was actually going to come home... My grandparents came up to be there when he got off, and as soon as the bus pulled up Cayden saw my grandpa and started knocking on the window and waving! It was adorable! He jumped off the bus, waved good-bye, and ran inside asking for lunch. I was so relived that he wasn't crying!

This morning we waited for the bus, and as soon as it pulled up he took off running in the opposite direction crying. Oh boy, this may take some getting used to!

But we followed the bus to school and by the time they got there he wasn't crying and held his teachers hand and walked into the school. Hopefully after a few days of these he will learn the routine and love it! For my sake and his... :o)

Three

If someone would have told me what the last three years were going to be like, I think I might have laughed and run away! But nobody did, and I'm here, and I LOVE IT! Three years ago today the sweetest baby boy came into our family. He filled a void that we had been waiting for. Our first son, a sibling for Madison, and spittin' image of his dad.

Blonde hair, blue-eyed perfect little boy!

Terror of all terrors when left unattended, full of energy, and always on the move

Teacher of patience, love, and understanding. Bringing a close family even closer. Showing us what real love looks and feels like. The best thing that could have ever happened to our family. The good and the bad parts of our lives are better because of Cayden.

Happy third birthday buddy! We love you! Here's to many more to come.

DISNEYLAND!!!

I have been wanting to post for a while now, but everything on my mind was related to our big SURPRISE trip to Disneyland! We have been planning it for a few months now, but decided to not tell our kids until we got to the airport. It was the best decision ever! Seeing the pure joy on Madison's face was priceless!

The kids loved to watch the planes taking off and landing. Cayden did 10x better than I thought he would on the plane. His ears are so sensitive that I thought it would really bother him, but on the way there he almost fell asleep!

When we got to California, we decided to go spend some time at the beach. The kids loved it! Madison had fun in the water and finding seashells. Cayden loved chasing the birds and kicking sand, and Jaken just wanted to eat the sand.

We spent 3 days in Disneyland and Disney California, where Cayden was just tall enough to ride most of the rides. Our first stop was Pirates of the Caribbean, and it was after that ride that I realized how the rest of the vacation was going to go. Cayden is already so sensory overloaded, that he spent most of the time covering his ears and crying. But being the mean mom that I am, I continued to take him on ride after ride.

There were a few times that he would be screaming and flipping out of the seat, and people would be staring at the calm mother next to him telling the attendant working the ride, "He'll be fine once it starts moving..." Right, as he is still crying when the ride ends....

Madison in front of the princess castle

This is my favorite picture of the whole trip! We were waiting for Chris to come out of the bathroom and Cayden kept making noises at this bear. I told him to look at me and say cheese, and this is the face he gave me! It was hilarious!

We also went to Universal Studios and Seaworld. The kids couldn't ride as much there, but the shows were really good. It was a good thing my dad get motion sickness because he was usually there to help with my boys while everyone else was riding the crazy rides!

Cayden saw this horse at Universal, and kept making his horse noise at it. If you've ever heard him say what a horse says then you know what I'm talking about. It is so funny! He kept trying to kiss it too so we had to stop here for a while.


Overall, we had a great trip. The kids were pretty good for the most part, and Cayden did as well as can be expected. Thanks mom and dad for all you did for everyone! We sure do love you guys!

Compression Suit

Cayden has always had some sensory issues. Some are physical touch, oral, and his ears seem to be really sensitive. Most kids when you hug them really tight, they get mad or grunt. Cayden will actually relax. He would prefer that if you are going to touch him that it be rough. He likes to wrestle and be given a tight squeeze instead of a pat on the back. Lately, some of these issues have gotten worse. Every time it is too loud, or he is nervous, he covers his ears with his arms or hands and cries. It makes it really hard to go places or have Jaken upset, because Cayden gets upset. Its like he is being overloaded. We have compared it to a cup full of water. His brain is full to the top, and so the littlest noise or touch can send the water spilling over the side of the cup.

So we have decided to try a compression suit. It is kind of like a Speedo suit. He really likes it! It gives him constant tight "hugging" pressure, so that hopefully he will relax and won't get overloaded so easily.

Poor kid is SO SKINNY! We put it on him in the morning, and he wears it until bed. In the picture he is trying to take it off because I told him we were getting jammies on, and then I remembered I wanted a picture. Indecisive mom... Hopefully this will help alleviate some of his problems and allow him to relax a little bit. If not, he is ready to scuba dive!

**On another note, our friends, Brady and Amanda Flamm, have a little girl, Amelia (Millie), who has been battling Leukemia for the past two years. She is 6. She has been going through treatments, and last week they thought she was finally finished. Only to find out on Monday that the Leukemia has returned. She will be going through some pretty intense treatment over the next few months, and her and her family could really use some extra prayers and positive thoughts. You can read more about Millie here.

At least he is healthy

We have good days and bad days, but we are so blessed that Cayden is a healthy, full of energy, little boy. It is when I see or hear about poor little kids, like this, who are living a life full of pain and with a slim chance of survival, that I have to remind myself this: AT LEAST HE IS HEALTHY.

A new best friend

He may not like to hug people, but he sure loves to hug fire hydrants!

Everytime we see a fire hydrant he has to stop and give it a hug. I wonder if he thinks it looks like open arms waiting for a hug, but it doesn't hug him back... That's his kind of hug!

A "HUG"

Tonight as we were getting the kids ready for bed, I let them watch cartoons on my bed for a bit. Cayden was sitting on the bed, so I laid down next to him. He came over and wanted to lean on my arm. Leaning for Cayden is his version of a hug. I can't touch him, or put my arms around him, but as long as he just leans against me things are fine.

Its amazing how much a "lean-to-hug" can brighten my day!

The Christmas season

**Disclaimer: This may seem like a debbie-downer post, but I have to vent about the bad days for my own therapy....

I had a really hard Christmas. Cayden had an okay Christmas (for Cayden), and the rest of the family had a great Christmas! Back-up a bit... We moved just after Thanksgiving, so the first thing we did in our new house was put up the tree! And that's it... I had no desire to set up any decorations, ornaments on the tree, I didn't even get out our stockings until the night before Christmas Eve when my daughter said she was worried about what Santa would do with the stuff for our stockings. Everyone kept telling me that we had just moved, and I have Cayden and Jaken to chase all day so I was probably tired. Nope, not the problem. I actually felt a little scrooge-ish. I was totally okay if the holiday passed, un-noticed. What the heck is wrong with me?? I love Christmas! Finally one night Chris and I went on a date, and I just broke down. I told him that as awful as it sounded, Cayden was causing my scrooge like feelings. I didn't want to get anything out, because my almost 3 year old understands just as much as an 18 month old. I didn't want to spend the whole month putting the tree skirt back, putting the stockings away, re-wrapping the presents under the tree, replacing all ornaments at the end of the season, and dealing with the never ending meltdowns in between. Stupid reasons, right?

I took our babysitter (my awesome sister, Kelsey) home, and talked to my mom for a while. After venting my frustrations, we came to the realization that it wasn't Cayden causing these feelings, it was me. And it was not frustration, or scrooge, or even laziness. It was grief. Plain and simple. I had been holding it all together for months now. Since his diagnosis this summer I have been the strong one. The one telling everyone around me that everything was totally okay when it wasn't. I didn't even see it happening to me. Let me make this part clear. My child DID NOT die. He is alive and for the most part healthy. So why the grief? My child did not die, but a part of me did, and the life I always pictured for him did. Things have had to be altered, and plans changed. It has been harder than I could imagine at times, yet so rewarding in others. To look into that sweet face and see a perfect son of our Heavenly Father. And he is here in OUR home!

I realized that night, that it is okay to grieve, and it is okay to vent and cry. I don't need to hold it all together. That is why we have such a great support system. Our family and friends have been fantastic! I just need to let it out more than once every 6-7 months.

Things are better now. The two days before Christmas were amazing. We had stockings hung, presents wrapped, and half-open, under the tree, and lots of time spent with great family and friends. The parties were overwhelming for Cayden. Most of the time he ended up on Chris' lap with his fingers plugging his ears, or off in another room while the other kids excitedly opened their gifts. He didn't care to open any gifts or look in his stocking. He got his Woody and Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story 3 and that was enough. (If only we could get him to put them down for longer than 5 seconds now...)

I'm glad I had a quick change of heart, and am openly talking about how I really feel. Christmas with Cayden will always be different, but simply amazing too as we have the Spirit so close in our home. Hopefully next year will be a bit smoother!

Where it begins...

This blog is to help me through the good days and the bad. Cayden was born a perfect little baby on March 29, 2009. He is our second child, and our first son. He was developing normally, maybe a little slower than our oldest, but everyone assured me that boys were slower than girls. Around a year old he was saying mama, dada, and baa for ball. Around 18 months he stopped talking and I noticed little quirky things about him that if I didn't put them all together they didn't seem out of place. After a few months of worrying, we decided to get him into speech therapy. A few months into that with little progress, I was talking with my mom one day, and the word Autism just came to me. I didn't even really know what that was, but decided to look into it. the odd thing was that I felt totally comfortable with that, and I just KNEW that is what my baby had. In June 2011, we met with a doctor, and Cayden was diagnosed with Autism. It has been a rough road, and many tears have been shed all around. I hope this blog can be an outlet for me, and also a help to others who may be going through a similar situation. Cayden is an awesome, extremely hard, loved little boy.